A couple of years ago Brett ran a blog series called “how to love your woman better” and recently resurrected it on his blog (because it’s that good). To check them out go to Irresistibly Fish and explore or you can see the first one here. I contributed to some of the posts – which are as much lessons in how to love your boyfriend, husband, friend, sister, mother – but someone suggested I write some stuff on how to specifically love your man better (which will also probably apply to any relationship in your life). So here goes…
When Brett and I started going out and even for many months into our marriage there was one thing that he used to do that made me pretty darn mad. If we were having a fight or an argument or I had raised something that he had done to upset me, he would respond with three simple words: “Just love me.” Now this is what I heard when he said that:
1. Val, you don’t love me.
2. If you loved me you wouldn’t argue or fight with me.
3. Can’t we just ignore this stuff and “be in love”.
4. What you are saying is not valid. Just stop and say that you love me.
When he said those words I would get even more angry and say something like, “This has got nothing to do with love. This is just an argument.” Meaning, me being angry/upset or hurt by him was something completely seperate to the issue of my loving him. For me, the loving of him never changed. It was just held off to the side while I dealt with the issue at hand. It wasn’t till many months after we had got married and this “Just love me” thing was really messing with the way we did conflict, that I eventually understood what Brett was saying:
1. Val, I love you.
2. Val, this stuff is important and we will address it.
3. Val, in this moment of fighting I do not feel secure and safe in your love. I feel like your love has lessened or is conditional or is secondary to this issue.
And that really hit me hard – I suddenly realised that the way I was doing conflict made Brett unsure (even if for only a second) of my love for him! In that moment he sat wondering if we would get through this, if I loved him, if I wanted to be with him, if this issue was too big for my love. And the crunch was when he said, “I don’t feel secure in your love.” When I realised this I knew that in any argument or fight or disagreement or issue, my first call is to make sure that Brett is resting secure in the fact that I love him. I need to do this with words – sometimes even saying it directly, “I love you and this thing you have done does not change my love for you”. I also need to do this with action – Brett is a pretty physical person and so just the act of reaching over and holding his hand, or sitting next to him, or making sure our legs or arms are touching while we talk it out maintains the physical connection and assures him that I am not going anywhere and haven’t rescinded my love.
If for even a moment your man (or woman) doesn’t feel secure in your love during an argument or disagreement then you have to look at the way you do conflict and change some stuff. Believe me, we have definitely not got this right yet. This blog was sparked by an issue we had just last night and I began to think again as we were lying in bed, “Is Brett secure in my love right now?” I thought of that verse from 1 John 4: 18 “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” And that song based on Psalm 36 “The steadfast love of the lord never changes.” Am I showing steadfast love? Is my love unchanging and does Brett know it to be so? Can he rest without fear, in such love? Then I thought about “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4: 15) – yes, things must be addressed, and frustration and anger and hurt needs to be talked through. But first it must be the truth being spoken. Secondly, it must be spoken “in love” – with words and actions and attitude that affirm love.
8 thoughts on “How to love your man better – “Just love him…””
you are nice.
Wow, great post. It’s so easy to miss what people are saying behind just the words. It’s also, in the middle of a disagreement, so easy to forget that we ALL need to feel secure in each other’s love. Thanks! Definitely something to remember next time Boyfriend Person and I don’t quite see eye to eye.
Ya I agree with you here. Never yell at your man but rather keep a straight womanly voice. Also if he is insecure or vices versus then the partner is causing this insecure feeling. I used to dodge glasses but only when I came home late from drinking. But as the love is there it just adds to Passion. But ya you guys make a good couple. You must provide your husband now with kids. My chick is like you, she doesn’t want any yet. You women of today are very disobedient to what the bible says shout being fruitful and multiply.
You must not analyse this too much. Also Brett is a good guy so don’t fight too much with him. But he must also get more exercise. Maybe you both go hiking and get into photography and post on your blog photos. Me and my chick do that and it helps. Yes fighting can make you insecure in a new relationship but you must try not feel insecure. Go be romantic in a mountain lake. Life is too short to argue over silly things. Arguing is mostly done by people with too much thinking going on in the head. Just be man and woman. Drink and laugh and enjoy time with each other. In the big picture, dishes and other things that people argue over is nothing. So try to break through to new levels of the relationship and get out of routine as routine is s relationship killer. Tell the guy you love him until he never says those words again. Or come for a beer you both with uncle Brits.
And don’t lie in bed wondering. Just roll over and hug the guy. Then he knows. I am a hard living drinking man but I know what works. So stop thinking so much and just do. Put your arms round him so he knows. If one of you were dead then you would think back and wish with all your heart to bring that person back. Do just do and stop analysing it.
Wow! Thanks for this post – I just realised I never want my husband to doubt my love for him. It must be an unchanging, steadfast thing in his life… From now on, even when we fight, I will assure him of my love for him…